Jonathan’s Good Luck Charm

By: Arc

Level: 3

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Many have described Nigeria as a jungle, a shit hole with raving mad wild animals. Who better then to tame its wild life than a Zoologist?

Dr. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan with his PhD in the scientific study of animals was a perfect fit for the role of our country’s Chief Zookeeper. Born on the 20th day of November 1957 to Lawrence and Eunice Ebele Jonathan in Otuoke, Ogbia Local Government Area in present day Bayelsa State, he survived the Nigerian Civil War and made it through most days with only one meal.

A beacon of light and hope to all Nigerians, he broke the mould of Nigeria’s political CV centered on these core values:

  • The Right Family Name
  • Experienced/Successful Coup Plotter
  • War Veteran
  • Money bag who has been friends to the Government over time

The Nigerian dream: you can walk miles to school on barefoot, cross rivers, have no school bag, study with lanterns and candle, attend the local unique University, keep your head up and still make it to Aso Rock, not as a visitor but as its number one resident.

This man’s rise to the presidency was as iconic and significant as Barack Obama becoming president across the Atlantic.

His nomination started from Bayelsa State, Diepreye Alaimeyeseigha needed a second in command with the right profile, who would stand out as acceptable to the public. A doctor of philosophy, a lecturer and an environmental-protection officer would ensure public approval of his gubernatorial candidacy and attract goodwill from his many students. On May 29 1999, the chosen one became Deputy Governor of Bayelsa State (A 3 year old state). 6 years later, his boss, Rtd Air Force Squadron Leader was impeached for disguising himself as a woman. On December 9 2005, the Deputy became Governor.

2007 came and the People’s Democratic Party picked him as running mate for presidential candidate Umaru Musa Yar’Adua (A Governor with the right family name and another from the right region). The election was won and Dr. Jonathan celebrated his golden jubilee as Nigeria’s Vice President.

3 years after, his boss was impeached again, this time not for disguising as a woman but for following lady death to the afterlife. On May 6 2010, this man was forced to repress his excitement as he was sworn in as Nigeria’s 14th president given the circumstances (He could not appear to be happy that Umaru kicked the pail). However after the nation’s mourning period, he would go on to become an ever smiling president.

From 2010 to 2015, it felt so good being a Nigerian, we had a healthy-not-about-to-die-learned president who dished out speeches (prepared and unprepared). Dora Akunyili was leading Re-branding Nigeria, the Uk government declared us the fourth fastest growing economy in the world in 2011 (A fool’s paradise yes because of our population still it was a reason to stay optimistic).The zoo seemed well run, life expectancy rose from 47 years in 2010 to 54 years in 2015. The country enjoyed a GENERAL FEEL GOOD FACTOR, we APPEARED UNIFIED and our resolve to protect the country shone through as we collectively beat Ebola in 2014 with Dr. Stella Ameyo Adadevoh playing the role of protagonist.

Amid the allegations of:

negligence @ allowing corrupt leader share funds (bear in mind that Dr. Ebele was not the Judiciary or part of the Legislative),

masterminding bombings,

not being serious about bringing our girls back (girls are still not back),

and pardoning his criminal boss Diepreye;

the metrics tell a different tale:

pump price of petrol: N97 per litre

1 dollar equivalent to 164 naira

PR was phenomenal, foreign investors were scrambling through our doors, the first female Chief Justice of Nigeria was appointed and our belief system was preserved with the signing of Same Sex Marriage Prohibition Act into law even with western pressure.

This is not an article by Reno Omokri or a PDP vs APC debate piece, so I would refrain from listing the many many achievements of this man’s administration. We celebrate the Man- Goodluck Ebele Jonathan

  • Alumnus of St. Stephen’s Primary School Otuoke, St. Michael’s Primary School Oloibiri, Mater Dei High School, Imiringi Ogbia and University of Port Harcourt
  • Science Inspector of Education
  • Lecturer
  • Assistant Director
  • Deputy Governor
  • Governor
  • Vice President
  • President
  • Father of our DEMOCRACY (never mind Obasanjo)
  • Our good luck charm

In the year 2089, my granddaughter might ask me “Grand daddy, how has Nigeria survived till this day?”

“In 2015, a great man averted the dynamiting of your Fatherland with these words- I’ve always affirmed, nobody’s ambition is worth the blood of any Nigerian.”

I shall reply as I rock in my chair and enjoy the Canadian winter.

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